34 Comments

this piece rocks. i worked a a university foundation for a year, raising money for scholarships mostly. they sent me to a conference where one of the speakers talked extensively about "amazonification" of fundraising - essentially mining people's data to learn as much as we possibly can about them so we know how to manipulate them into giving as easily as possible. i asked them in a q&a how we could possibly see amazon as aspirational from an ethical standpoint given everything we know about how they operate and they said something vague about how someone would probably write a code of ethics about it soon (lol).

so yeah it's disheartening how many organizations claim to be charitable when really they are in the business of manufacturing certainty for investors/donors while contributing to the issues that they brag about working to solve in order to self perpetuate and it's so hard to have any hope at all for the future when it feels like everything is so evil!!!

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wow wow wow thanks for reading but yeah that’s all so very dour, but it’s not everything and it can’t possibly be sustainable for the long term. It’s almost as if surveillance has itself become a commodity and they know that our politicians will do nothing really to police it.

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you should make this a novel !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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oh don’t worry haha there’s definitely a novel in the works, not this per se but kinda this vibe,—i don’t like being one of those guys who says he’s writing a novel on substack ngl.

it’s likely going to be a book that no publisher will ever, not in a hundred years, publish tho, because the structure is wayyyy too weird

(working title is applejuiceification btw)

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i think you are underestimating how much people like weird books!!!!!!!!!! it’ll be published and i can’t wait to read applejuiceification

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augh thanks sm haha, hopefully!!

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i think you are underestimating how much people like weird books!!!!!!!!!! it’ll be published and i can’t wait to read applejuiceification

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Have you read Happy Hour? Every piece feels like a Briffin chapter in that book

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i googled Happy Four by accident and was like what is this book?? I’ll need to read it the cover rocks—i absolutely will judge a book by its cover ngl

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A greattttt book and a wonderful cover

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this is absolutely bonkers i love it

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heck yeah huge compliment

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Whew! Uh man I haven't had a piece yet where I read something ("You can't shop here unemployed") and felt an immediate surge of irritation. Followed by secondhand embarrassment ("the baby is a fake!!") . . . And then just how dour the whole amazonification of the working world is. Ugh! Now I just feel shaky and bleh and like I need to rebalanced my nervous system, which I suppose is exactly the point? We should all wanna rebalanced our nervous system and this country's system. I do wish that, when pointing out the Congolese that you'd actually described the problems and how many large tech companies pay for essentially slave labor to get the lithium our tech supposedly needs. Overall though, sickening and incredible!

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Thanks sm for reading! And yeah i think there definitely was space to describe that looking back, i was worried mainly that it was too long as it was already lol

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that’s exactly what every experience at whole foods feels like btw. i really really really really really liked this i had so much fun

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Great work here, man. Love your writing style; it’s inspired.

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hey thanks man, i appreciate that

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LOVED this. not too long at all — perfectly paced and well balanced. if you haven't read the city mouse series by morley musick in n+1 magazine, i can't recommend it enough. the eggs and maybe strawberries debacle here reminded me of the most recent column, "interiority burger," where morley describes eating with a friend in a restaurant and saying the food wasn't all that, and then suddenly:

"We laughed, and a moment later a small door opened near our feet. An extremely small man poked his head through the doorframe, looked up at us, and then proceeded to step out fully. He was holding a clipboard with papers spilling out over it. He wore suspenders, a transparent visor, and exquisite, half-rimmed glasses."

and then they follow him through the tiny doorway to a huge office with all sorts of analytics going on. it's enchanting and delightful and hilarious.

https://www.nplusonemag.com/online-only/online-only/interiority-burger/

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It's so funny that you know morley's city mouse stuff too. I remember distinctly discovering one of his n+1 posts about the subway while on the subway to work one day. Thanks for the excuse to dive into the archives there.

His style of writing reminds me quite a bit of Burgakov now that i'm coming back to it. I guess maybe it's the fantastical elements in such a rote data-driven secular world.

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totally. that’s a great observation too, i really need to read more bulgakov (and reread the master and margarita).

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Exceptional prose, u managed to keep my attention throughout the 15 mins I read this.... Great essay

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heck yeah, thanks for taking the time!

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This is one of the best things I've read this year

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I cannot stop laughing at your poor squished strawberry robbery. It really captured the surreal chaos of a dream. Your prose is exceptional, this was a pleasure to read.

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this is some captivating stuff. Best 30 mins I've ever spent

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thanks so much for saying that fr i thought it was way too long and worried it was asking too much of the reader lowkey

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This was such a surreal piece! I felt like the whole foods section was a dream within the threads of reality. Amazing work!

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oh no it totally happened

(jk ofc glad you enjoyed!!)

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Trueanon completionists rise up!!!

This was hilarious and super thoughtful, well done.

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gathering all the lore!! honestly wayy better for my mindset than chapo was in 2020 lol—oh, and i went to their live show in chicago for the dnc last night funnily enough and was shushed by someone in pajama pants lol

And thanks sm!!

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Ok wait what kind of chaos were u starting to be shushed by an ADULT PUBLIC PAJAMA WEARER at the Trueanon live set 😭😭

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i swear i thought we were being quiet, just like whispering about what kind of pact hillary made with the devil to still look like she does

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Cookie Monster pants said #ImWithHer

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“shhhhh my queen’s singing fight songg”

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