i’ve been thinking so much about this!!! the way dating apps have changed the landscape so fundamentally in terms of real life interaction is so depressing to me. i feel like most people don’t actually want to meet people that way but it feels almost absurd to ask people out irl without the certainty that apps claim to provide, like knowing exactly what type of relationship someone is looking for, if they’re single, their habits, etc. just asking someone out without knowing a profile’s worth of information is sooo terrifying now i feel, even though the dominant form filling culture that you point out is more unsatisfying in the long run as the vagueness of navigating a more spontaneous real life connection. makes us fearful and cagey in the way we frame and pursue relationships
do you think that the not-quite-there intimacy of text could be preferable at least to no intimacy at all? is it better to speak through a phone with all its failings or to instead refrain from filling gaps between in-person connection with messaging, and just not talk? because while i agree that it’s a subpar replacement for actually meeting, if the alternative is nothing, then isn’t it that mode least something?
i don’t think it’s as take it or leave it as that but rather it’s just something to carry along with you in your awareness how there’s separation inherent to these technologies
i really like ur point about the chatbox being the mouth of our digital body! but as someone who lives abroad i don't really relate much to the dislike of texting & digital communication bc it connects me to the people i love (facetime & calling is of course infinitely better than texting tho but the multimedia format of texting & photos & voicenotes & dms & everything can feel fulfilling sometimes). i get it in the context of dating tho bc that is soul crushing. also rip the scientology building i went in there in 2019 & they gave me a survey to fill out with questions like "on a scale of 1-10 how easily influenced are you?"
oh absolutely, i think the ways we can communicate internationally is remarkable! and it should def be used to keep those relationships going. im more speaking to considering whether texting (a communication built on efficiency rather than feeling) encourages us to communicate more with the phone itself instead of the person on the other side if that makes sense. and yeahhh haha rip the scientology building it was such a funny little place (but also so ominous i swear lol)
yes that’s interesting & i see what u mean! do u see the phone as an extension of yourself or as a foreign body? cuz i do sometimes think about the fact that since texting eliminates the natural spontaneity that occurs in conversation, it can b used to reinforce delusions we have about your identity or maybe the various masks we sometimes wear. like there’s too much control over what u say for it to be 100% authentic
i think i see it as a foreign body that’s become an extension of ourselves, and is encouraged as such—the whole goal is to make communication as seamless as possible what with my phone trying to fill in what i’m typing right now even while i’m typing this response to you! what’s the end goal of such an efficiency minded communication? and what do we lose?
can i write you letters? i have found a pile of some nice stationery, beautiful firm buttermilky paper with venetian flourishes in the corners, paper worth being intimate with, and no one to send it to. also am luddite. want pen pal. await your or anyone’s reply
that stationary sounds gorgeous! ngl i'm finding myself increasingly busy between three jobs and might not have the time to write back personal letters (any more than I already am haha) back but here's hoping you find yourself a pen pal!
Fully agree! I at least think phone calls (NOT facetime) and letters have a much stronger appeal because they are more sensory than texting. I have multiple friends who are in successful relationships that resulted from an app but personally have had zero luck with them, and they depress me lol. I also think everyone I speak to agrees on this (dating apps suck) yet feel there is still not an overall shift to, say, asking people out spontaneously IRL. I did a speed dating thing once but it kind of sucked.
such a good piece! when you’re in your 20s so many people tell you to get on dating apps, but idk how to explain to them that the type of person i’d want to be with wouldn’t be on a dating app in the first place
right!! i’ve definitely been through moments like that — it feels exhausting because there’s no real, human interaction or understanding. texting is depersonalized!
i’ve been thinking so much about this!!! the way dating apps have changed the landscape so fundamentally in terms of real life interaction is so depressing to me. i feel like most people don’t actually want to meet people that way but it feels almost absurd to ask people out irl without the certainty that apps claim to provide, like knowing exactly what type of relationship someone is looking for, if they’re single, their habits, etc. just asking someone out without knowing a profile’s worth of information is sooo terrifying now i feel, even though the dominant form filling culture that you point out is more unsatisfying in the long run as the vagueness of navigating a more spontaneous real life connection. makes us fearful and cagey in the way we frame and pursue relationships
Commodity fetishism at play in real time
do you think that the not-quite-there intimacy of text could be preferable at least to no intimacy at all? is it better to speak through a phone with all its failings or to instead refrain from filling gaps between in-person connection with messaging, and just not talk? because while i agree that it’s a subpar replacement for actually meeting, if the alternative is nothing, then isn’t it that mode least something?
i don’t think it’s as take it or leave it as that but rather it’s just something to carry along with you in your awareness how there’s separation inherent to these technologies
i really like ur point about the chatbox being the mouth of our digital body! but as someone who lives abroad i don't really relate much to the dislike of texting & digital communication bc it connects me to the people i love (facetime & calling is of course infinitely better than texting tho but the multimedia format of texting & photos & voicenotes & dms & everything can feel fulfilling sometimes). i get it in the context of dating tho bc that is soul crushing. also rip the scientology building i went in there in 2019 & they gave me a survey to fill out with questions like "on a scale of 1-10 how easily influenced are you?"
probably what we lose with all of this frictionless optimize yourself bullshit :/ cool post! i look forward to ur stuff every week
oh absolutely, i think the ways we can communicate internationally is remarkable! and it should def be used to keep those relationships going. im more speaking to considering whether texting (a communication built on efficiency rather than feeling) encourages us to communicate more with the phone itself instead of the person on the other side if that makes sense. and yeahhh haha rip the scientology building it was such a funny little place (but also so ominous i swear lol)
yes that’s interesting & i see what u mean! do u see the phone as an extension of yourself or as a foreign body? cuz i do sometimes think about the fact that since texting eliminates the natural spontaneity that occurs in conversation, it can b used to reinforce delusions we have about your identity or maybe the various masks we sometimes wear. like there’s too much control over what u say for it to be 100% authentic
i think i see it as a foreign body that’s become an extension of ourselves, and is encouraged as such—the whole goal is to make communication as seamless as possible what with my phone trying to fill in what i’m typing right now even while i’m typing this response to you! what’s the end goal of such an efficiency minded communication? and what do we lose?
can i write you letters? i have found a pile of some nice stationery, beautiful firm buttermilky paper with venetian flourishes in the corners, paper worth being intimate with, and no one to send it to. also am luddite. want pen pal. await your or anyone’s reply
that stationary sounds gorgeous! ngl i'm finding myself increasingly busy between three jobs and might not have the time to write back personal letters (any more than I already am haha) back but here's hoping you find yourself a pen pal!
I share a b-day with Nardwuar
doot doola doot doo!
doot doot
Fully agree! I at least think phone calls (NOT facetime) and letters have a much stronger appeal because they are more sensory than texting. I have multiple friends who are in successful relationships that resulted from an app but personally have had zero luck with them, and they depress me lol. I also think everyone I speak to agrees on this (dating apps suck) yet feel there is still not an overall shift to, say, asking people out spontaneously IRL. I did a speed dating thing once but it kind of sucked.
god this is brilliant
thanks val! i felt real distressed while writing it ngl
such a good piece! when you’re in your 20s so many people tell you to get on dating apps, but idk how to explain to them that the type of person i’d want to be with wouldn’t be on a dating app in the first place
I had a girlfriend and we would have long, drawn-out arguments via text and I ended that relationship I was like NEVER AGAIN! So exhausting
right!! i’ve definitely been through moments like that — it feels exhausting because there’s no real, human interaction or understanding. texting is depersonalized!
She would also send me paragraphs of sexts which felt more like a creative writing exercise than actual genuine desire lol
guess i'm hard launching my full name through your post
hahaha i know i @‘d you and was like oh dang, full name vibes